“With every choice you risk the life you would have had; with every dicision, you lose it.”

Another chosen sign on my chosen path

(The quote above is from Messiah’s HandbookBy: Richard Bach.)

         Nothing today is how I thought/imagined today would be.  20 years ago: I thought I would be a butterfly.  15 years ago: I thought I’d be a famous singer and actress by this age.  10 years ago: I was excited to open and run my own restaurant by my mid-20’s.  5 years ago? At age 21, I was working on starting a recycled couture clothing line.   3 years ago I was working with my then boyfriend, growing product for the California market (insert your assumption here).

1 year ago, I was just completely lost…I wanted to get some property somehow (with no money to my name at the time) and grow food far away from the majority of people and maybe write a book or three.  8 months ago, I thought, maybe with the right education, I could help run a rehabilitation center with the men who saved my life.  6.4 months ago, my “King of the River” and I split up and I started floundering again.

Applied for Pepperdine five and a half months ago…got wait-listed ( I just thought it was bitchen I was suedo-accepted.  I have horrible credit and no money so I didn’t get in officially or anything.  They claimed it was record admittance…either way, i was just flattered to be wait-listed to be quite honest).

Four months ago I started hostessing at a regional-chain fish restaurant and now…here I am.  I am 26 years old now, working to pay my gasoline just so I can get to work and have an occasional coffee and sailing lesson…other than that, just dating men here and there.  Part of me the last few months has been feeling like getting married and having children and focusing on them and their success in this world.  But another part of me feel unaccomplished and unsettled.  I know I would love to be with a masculine, intelligent, fun peaceful, strong, capable soul mate.  A man who would cherish my feelings, love, provide and protect for me.  However, I keep being reminded by different people: live in the now, accomplish your goals, establish yourself and just don’t worry too much about finding your soul mate.I have been using it as a distraction I guess…So I don’t have to work on myself and figuring out my path/purpose.

My ex-boyfriend (whom I was with for two years…perspective: last time I saw him he chased me out of our hotel room with a knife) stopped by my house again Thursday morning…30 minutes after I left for work.  I drove down to O.C. for a date and the man, John (who was honestly too old for me to begin with) stood me up, my “King of the River” ex I dated for a few months text with me briefly today…and it all left me feeling a little “off”.

So, I went to the lake shrine to see if the bearded man whom I have never heard say anything (since I started going back there almost a year ago) would be there.  I was determined to speak with him (if he wasn’t mute or crazy).  I had a super strong urge to ask him about my purpose.  I wasn’t sure if he was crazy, mute, or like me, just there for some reflective peace and beauty.

I sat on a bench.

I didn’t see him.

I started to use the time to reconnect with humanity.  Smiling at strangers, complimenting happiness and beauty in others, playing hide and seek with a little boy hiding behind a tree…  Next thing I know, he appeared!

I smiled.  He actually said Hi to me.  For the first time ever.  I moved my sandals over as a gesture of invite.  He gracefully accepted my offer and joined me on the bench.  We talked for hours about all sorts of things.  And finally, I asked him about my purpose.  He said it was more important to experience the moment I am in and be present for the decisions I am being asked to make, and that my purpose would expose itself in my passion.  He said the path is what’s important.

Random conversation.  Yet it felt natural and enjoyable.  I told him bits of my story and he told me a little of his.  We both journal.  I like that.

He said spiritual/religious places like the shrine, churches and temples are like spiritual hospitals.  It is where we all go when we are spiritually sick.  I couldn’t have agreed with him more.

People kept looking at us and blessing us.  He cracked me up (made me laugh) when he said: “People look at us like we are spiritual or something.” I laughed because like everyone else there that day, we both were “spiritually sick” and were there for clarity and healing.

He said I should get a Ukulele…the cheep ones that are made in China are about $30 dollars or so.  Said it helps with depression.  Interesting man.  I look forward to sitting in silence or chatting again.  I feel recharged.  I appreciate this man.  The universe sends me my messages through the correct channels.  When I am receptive to listening, I get my lesson.

The bearded man reminded me:

It’s okay to breathe.

It’s okay to just enjoy myself.

It’s okay to just walk the path,

and it’s okay to not necessarily know where I am headed.

Thank you bearded man…you showed me the purpose of unknown purpose.

“Bark, Bark!!!” (inside joke. haha)



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