Premature Monogamy-Kiss of Romantic Death

Took a late lunch break today…4:20pm…having some cucumber slices I got from the farmer’s market my friend, the “Doc”, sells her produce at (while dispensing free medical advice to all the locals—her donation to the universe).  I am also having some Boursin cheese with veggie chips I got at T.Joe’s.

Totally off point…but hey, if you can’t handle random…My blog ain’t for you.

Here is a Memo I received, but haven’t quite gotten around to acting on it fully yet:

It is like, I know what to do…but knowing doesn’t make it any easier to execute/tackle/act on…

Memo received: Premature Monogamy is the Kiss of death to a budding relationship.

Where did I receive this memo from? The life work of Dr. Pat Allen (via Coach Constance…my relationship guru and close personal friend)

What does Premature Monogamy actually mean???  Well, to me, premature monogamy means that I am focused on one romantic possibility exclusively, before I am “roped in”/”Tied down” and practically begged off the “single’s market” by the man I am willing to receive as a solid option.

My head KNOWS it would be best for me (and him…competition is a healthy motivator for a masculine man) to continue to Duty Date [See “Duty Date” the movie, read “Getting To I Do” by Pat Allen, or YouTube it]…which is basically going out on dates with at least three men at the same time, no sex, just getting to know them, practicing communicating with men, practicing granting respect and following their lead….learning what feels good, what I will accept and appreciate…and learning what doesn’t feel good, what I will NOT accept and how to communicate both in a non-emotional, healthy, respectful way.

Learning Pat Allen’s Techniques (combined with “Why Men Love(Marry) Bitches” books) I have come a long way, from co-dependent big fat ZERO, to feminine-strong dude magnet!!!  No joke.  HUGE transformation.

So…I guess that is why I am letting the nervous thoughts get to me about not doing this whole “courting” thing EXACTLY as it was taught…I want to set myself up for love and success and steer clear of any co-dependent possibilities.

I know I can’t predict the future, and I don’t want to “safety proof” my love-life…I guess I have been getting a little nervous and impatient because I find myself falling for this man, thinking about him on the regular, driving to go see him (which has been burned into my skull as a bad idea…because I am taking the “chase” away from the man and I am making it entirely too easy for him) and I have not been really flirting and going on dates with other eligible bachelors that are smokin’ cute and totally worth a shot.   I am prematurely locking myself down to a man who has not expressed straight up that he thinks we need to be exclusive and he wants to prove he can provide and protect me and sees a future of fun, compromises and laughs with me.

We are making progress with each other for sure…He is adjusting some of the things that I don’t feel good about, and I am  adjusting and trying things his way to see if we “dance” well together.

I have noticed that he opens up and asks me how I feel about things more and changes certain things more, especially after we disagree and I express a willingness to wave the “white flag” first and admit my half of things (it takes two to tango, fight, make love, and have a relationship).

I also notice that he acts more aggressive and less affectionate when I try to tell him what I want him to do.

He said, “I can’t do everything that you want me to”.

It was one of the most honest and connecting statements we shared this last weekend.

I know what he means too.  He asks me what I want because he is genuinely interested and wants to know…at the same time, he can’t do everything I tell him I want him to because it upsets the masculine/feminine dance…if I want him to be a strong leader that I can trust and feel safe with, I am responsible for being a good supportive partner…I can’t be cutting him or his ideas and wants down just because “I know” I have a better way of doing things.  It is about team work.  And if I want a good-masculine-capable-alpha male, I am going to need to step back and watch him grow into that strength.  Telling him what I want him to do or not do, or that I want more, better or different love from him just causes tension.

Since I want him to cherish my feelings and provide for me and protect me, I want to respect his wants and be the best partner I can be…basically, I want to keep my side of the street clean…not my job to change him or “sweep up” after his mistakes.

Dr. Pat Allen says that unless the behavior is immoral, unethical or illegal, follow his lead and see if he is going in the direction I want to go…and if not, I have the option to say “not for me” and leave.

She also says “do not bitch, teach, preach, whine, complain, etc. unless you are calling a doctor, a lawyer or the law”…she says that NO CONTACT and NO COMMUNICATION is a masculine man’s best instructor.

So, I just fucked up on several levels this past weekend…I totally tried telling him what to do, I complained and bitched and demanded “more attention and affection” and a few other things I don’t want to do again…

So, at one point, I went outside, finished a roach I had and asked the universe for a change of perspective.

I got one.

Main point: Nothing about this weekend was a big deal or worth agitation.  He wasn’t forcing me to sit and watch him play video games. And then when I asked him to stop and he did and turned on the T.V., he did not force me to sit there and hang out.  It was my own insecurities that led me to feel neglected.  He didn’t neglect me.  He was doing his thing.  I was more than welcome to do my own thing…and I chose not to…which was not his fault.

So, I humbly walked back inside, sat down and said “I want to try things your way”.

The rest of the night we spent together went down the only way it could have: comfortably…just being able to “be” with someone is so important.  I forget sometimes, little things are big things.

Cooking dinner together, rubbing his back after a long week of him working (that always turns into reciprocated affection…plus, I just love to touch him and flow him love), being silent…

You know, I was so busy trying to control how the weekend went down, I wanted us to talk, get to know each other better, kiss and touch more…but I see know (says the blind girl), I see how important NOT speaking…NOT touching too much or kissing is…

The sexual and sensual tension it creates is priceless, and keeping a level of mystery makes for a much more soulful-thick energy between the two of us that would be watered down by talking too much or touching too much.

Leaving room to play and to create that tension and desire is what life-long soul mates are built off of.

So, in conclusion, although I feel like I may have signed our relationship’s death certificate by nagging, doing too much and not continuing to Duty Date other men…maybe I am thinking about it too much…maybe everything went as it was supposed to and the growth I experienced with him this weekend…well, maybe it was not as much of a one-way-street as I initially thought.

I am still processing all this in the “tunnel” of my thoughts and feelings.  When I make it through to the other side, the light of understanding and appreciation will shine that much brighter for me.

Peace, Love and Patience.

-me

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