“If you don’t want to be a teacher,
You’d better get off the planet.”
-The Messiah’s Handbook [By: Richard Bach]
I know what Pat Allen and Constance would say about my conversation with A this evening. If I were to have used the communication tools they taught me, 90% of all that drama would have been addressed or avoided completely…and the other 10% would not have bothered me at all, let alone so much.
I want to handle any future communication with him better than I have. Our talk didn’t make me feel good…I asked for “more, better & different love” which Pat says never to do with a masculine man. I am slipping into my masculine and I don’t want to do that…I don’t feel good about any of that.
When all is said and done, I guess the day was perfect…I landed on the “teacher” quote in my little book this morning and I found myself feeling this way…especially with A…I was feeling uncomfortable and tired of having to educate him on how I don’t want to be communicated with and how I do.
I am getting a bit tired of repeating my not wants …and he makes little bits of progress (and I am sure he thinks similarly about me and my personal growth), but to be honest, I am getting a little impatient. I am wanting a well trained gentleman, who can lead and court me, treat me like a lady…and like the sexiest vixen he has ever laid eyes on (even in my yoshi shirt and miss-matched leopard pajama shorts).
I want to respect a man worthy of my respect and I am forgetting one key factoid: He is human. And whether I like it or not, so am I.
Patience and forgiveness are the building blocks of a successful relationship of any kind and I am sure he is frustrated with me not “putting out”. A part of me, the fearful semi-lazy part, wishes he would just move on and find someone else, so I don’t have to train him and put a ton of energy into a man I am not sure even wants to spend forever in this lifetime with me…
And then there is the other part of me that wants to be with him and wants him to continue to want me too. His aggressiveness and his continued pursuit of me make me nervous…or maybe it is that it makes me excited and that makes me nervous…cause then I have to admit to myself just how much I care about him.
I know either way, helping him learn how to be a gentleman will benefit the human race…but fuck man, being an alpha-masculine male’s alpha-feminine counterpart in any of life’s lessons (especially with regards to boundaries and “NO’s” ) is no easy task…in fact, it can be downright exhausting.
Peace, Love and making an effort.