Strange thought but honestly, it is how I am feeling so…whatever.
Okay, here goes nothing….
It is 1 something in the morning on the 25th and I just spent the last few hours hanging out with two of my cousins.
I had a blast hanging out with them. That is not the awkward part.
The awkward part comes after hanging out and being more raw or real with family/friends/whoever, that you normally don’t hang out with or normally don’t expose who your true self is to them…or at least certain sides of yourself/character to.
It is like the feeling you get when you tell your crush “I like you” and they don’t say anything…
Or the feeling that follows getting up and doing a report in school on something totally random that interests you, and you can swear you hear crickets it’s so fucking quite…walking awkwardly back to your seat…you spend the rest of the semester in the back with your hoodie up over your head praying you don’t get called on anymore.
I would also compare it to having a super awesome time with someone but having this sneaking suspicion that they are spending more time judging you than actually letting loose and having a good time.
I maybe totally in my head about all this, which is most likely the case…however, when you open up and share your thoughts about things…It is a raw and vulnerable moment you are exposing yourself to…regardless of who it is or what you are opening up about.
Taking the time to communicate any thought can’t get a little nerve wreaking; especially these days where technology is right there to remind you when you were wrong or said something that was less than socially acceptable (whatever that really means these days).
I know that everyone has their own perspective of what makes sense and what doesn’t make sense to them. I know that it doesn’t always align with what I think or feel. That is totally cool…infact, it keeps the world growing and learning and it keeps us from all getting bored to death…doesn’t make taking the risk to communicate any easier.
So, I basically just let loose and decided to be myself. I shared my thoughts about why learning how to communicate with people from all walks of life is soooo important. Why I think it is important to learn at least the basics about as many topics as possible…I even shared a few personal snippets of experiences I have in my past to help explain certain points I was making.
After I shared and opened up, a part of me now feels like maybe it was TMI (Too Much Information) and I maybe could have just kept my mouth shut.
I know that not everyone shares my way of thinking and that not everyone wants to hear what I have to say about certain things…but sometimes, talking to people about what ever the fuck comes to mind is a nice break from the daily censorship I feel is necessary to practice…just to keep the peace and not attract attention to myself too much and be PC (Politically Correct) so as not to scare the “Mass-Mentality” of the majority of people I come into contact with on a regular basis. (yes…that was a major run-on sentence…who cares right now…it is almost 2am.)
Yeah….that is pretty much it, in a nutshell. I feel awkward because I was raw, real and unsensord with my cousins and I have never been that open with them before.
I usually don’t let people get too close to knowing me…like…REALLY knowing me and my thoughts. That is probably why I have been enjoying this blogging thing. Because blogging is just social enough, but not so social that I have to see anyone who reads my post on a regular basis and feel awkward about whether or not they have a negative judgement or opinion about something I may have said or done. It is impersonally personal.
But when you expose bits of your character and your personality and your humor to a family member, it is a whole different deal. It puts you in a more vulnerable position.
That is why I feel so awkward. Because I have never really allowed them, my cousins, to fully get to know me and it gives me this strange feeling… like “what if they don’t like me?” I mean, they are family, so, it is not like they are going anywhere. I will always be related to them.
I know this should not matter so much…the “what other people think” thing…however, for me, when it comes to people I plan on knowing for a long time (i.e. family) or people I want to know for awhile, what they think sorta matters to a degree. Because based on their perceptions and level of understanding, it could have the potential of making future interactions with them (or those they “Shoot the shit”[talk] with) more challenging.
I cannot control what other people think, feel, say, do, etc. But I can control mine, and I guess that is what my post is really about: Control of self. The ability and extent to which I control my thoughts, feelings, words, actions, etc. and how that may or may not affect me and my relationships in the present and the future.
Okay, enough about that. It is what it is. All I can do is wait and see what happens…and work on my here and now.
Peace, love and control of self.