I just got back from my evening tea…with the indian dr man. I have never experienced anything like that before.
He picked me up, went to star-crack(starbucks)…they were closed..went to a local spot…they closed 4 minutes prior to us showing up…and my uncle was outside. Then we drove to mcD’s. They were open. I ordered a small tea. He ordered the same thing. We went outside and we sat in the parking lot (I wanted to be outside…mainly cause I am always inside these days and I wanted some fresh air).
From the time I got in the car, the conversation commenced. He said “you are angry…etc” I said, “no. not angry. you haven’t seen me angry. I just don’t see us being compatible”, he said “you probably hate me…etc” I said “no, I like you, that is why I responded to you.”
I was cold…he called me out on it, I basically explained to him that I am not interested in giving him mixed signals and that would be more cold than not wanting to hold hands and such.
He wanted to know why we were not compatible. I told him several ways in which I found us incompatible and I explained my future and current life goals and explained that I felt they didn’t align with his.
He said I could do all those things and he wasn’t going to stop me…in fact, he would like to join me sometimes depending on where I was wanting to travel to at any given point.
He didn’t want to change me, he was playing and joking around with me about the texts he sent.
I said, I don’t want to get married right away or anything, but I also do not want to start a full-blown relationship and get emotions involved and intertwined with a man whose culture historically isn’t fond of mixing with any other race/culture…I didn’t want to have a prospective family in law scenario where the family hated me.
He said he wanted to change for me. I said I didn’t want him to change for me. If he wants to make changes for himself that is fine, but not just for my sake.
He said he was not anything like my ex’s, he would never chase me with a knife, he would never hurt me, he would be good to me, and he was very sorry for not showing he cared by being interested in my toe injury.
It was like this back and forth of even-tempered, sometimes passionate energy, about our differences…me pointing them out, and him counter-offering me with compromise options.
He said he has had a lot of girl friends in the past, but none he was willing to talk future talk with before me.
My indifference due to my belief in our incompatibility has led to me having a more objective eye going through this whole thing.
Normally, I just stop responding and avoid a guy I don’t want to see again…because I highly dislike letting men who are interested in me and working hard to win me over know that I am not feeling good about continuing the relationship. But this was my first real, adult, “this just doesn’t feel right” conversation with someone I have some chemistry.
Before, I would have played the whole thing out for two years knowing that they were close to being mostly right, but just not quite my match (and I wasn’t quite theirs either).
He said he wasn’t perfect and he was going to make mistakes but he was willing to make changes and work on being a better man and work on his verbal delivery. I told him, I was way far away from perfect, that there is a shit ton about me lots of men wouldn’t like and I was never going to be perfect. It wasn’t about being perfect…it was about being mostly right for each other.
He said he feels good every time we are together and he has fun every time we hang out and waking up holding me feels so good (I have stayed over a few nights and he cherished my request that we take it super slow-super slow by today’s standards).
There was more discussed, like me being a stoner, him being a drinker…the fact that just because he is not a stoner doesn’t mean that someone who was a stoner would be more compatible with me than he was…that he would work at treating me so much better than any of my ex’s have and he bet the abusive guy was a stoner and that I thought that my ex and I were compatable…I disagreed on one or two points…we discussed having differing viewpoints on a lot of things…I toked up in the parking lot…cause at this point I am not holding back who I am. At first he was nervous, then he relaxed and continued stating his case…and after I went on a tangent about how I have a medical card with the state, I am not near children, I am not in front of a restaurant, it is the middle of the night and no one is around and I believe I should have the right to do this.
When I requested we start heading back, he took me back. At the house, I said “talk to you sooner than later I am sure” and he said to me “I thought this means you are never going to speak to me again and you hate my guts”…I said “I don’t hate your guts, you’re a good guy I don’t mind talking with you. We just aren’t compatible”.
There was more talked about, but I am still processing it all and I am not ready to discuss any of it yet.
I am sitting here now, at my computer…
and I feel sorta…I don’t know…strange.
It feels weird to tell someone who you feel some chemistry, you think they have good qualities…but that you just don’t feel comfortable continuing for lack of more adequate compatibility.
He asked a few times about my blog and how he wants to read it. I said, no one I know (except one friend of mine) knows my blog name…and to be honest, she is so busy in her life right now, there is no way in hell she is reading all my posts. I like it better that way. Helps me communicate more freely.
Oh, and he mentioned the L word…and then back tracked a little because he was not trying to make me feel uncomfortable….
Okay, I have to process all this. Night friends.