It is no easy task to detach from the various possible outcomes of certain situations…especially with matters of the heart.
Detachment doesn’t necessarily mean that I do nothing or that I say nothing…it just simply means that: at the end of the day (after everything has been said and been done), my energy and my emotional state does not hinge upon any outcome.
How is this possible?
I mean, honestly…
How do I sit across the couch from the man I love, knowing all our faults, fears and insecurities and not FEEL one way or the other about whatever transpires?
It is like this: I know better.
I know that nothing is guaranteed. I know that all is apparently fair in love and war (helps the average jane/joe sleep with themselves at night if they do something fucked up under these pretenses I guess).
I know that the man who is on my level (whatever level that may be)…wont go past me if we are meant to learn and grow with one another for an extended period of time.
So, detachment would appear to be easier to practice knowing that I don’t have to hold onto that which does not exist…yet/or ever. But that is still not 100% the case.
I know that no one is perfect and that people tend to project their own realities and preconceived notions onto their significant other. Expecting god(dess) like behavior and then unraveling when reality strikes and the god(dess) is replaced by a fallible human being who hurts and laughs and breathes and loves just like I do…now that is a hefty dose of a reality check.
So yeah, I got the basic idea of detachment to outcomes down…I just have a hard time with applying it 100% and I have a hard time not daydreaming ideals and writing fantasy stories of the could be’s and the might happens.
For some strange reason, it is like I insist on taking my experience to the fullest extent possible. Feel the possibilities wholly and fully. Feel the raw and honest break-down of my dreamy ideals as I learn and grow and adapt. Feel the elation in my soul when he walks in and smiles and fills my head with possible false promises (with or without good reason)…Feel the drop in my gut…like my heart has been removed from my chest cavity when he works to hurt me with his words and actions to keep a “safe” distance from a woman with substance and the ability to love him.
The roller-coaster of love is no easy ride to detach from. Chemistry and history don’t help matters either.
And the fucked up part about it all is the potential aspect of it. The potential to love passionately, the potential to love physically, spiritually, personally. The potential for a tangible “one”, “life partner”, “soul mate”. I see amazing possibilities in his eyes (my projections I guess) and when he says and does things that are true and raw, it intoxicates my mind and my soul. The intoxication of potential is not the fucked up part, the fucked up part comes after the proverbial “bubble” has burst and we are no longer fantasizing about our “god(dess)” image but instead start to focus on each other’s imperfections…or focus on the fact that the other person is not the “ideal” and maybe think to move on once the dream-dust has cleared the air (the quest of the eternally searching and lonely romantic).
So, yeah. I will admit it. I am in love with the ideal of a man I love. I am practicing detachment to the best of my ability with regards to it all. However, that does not mean that the outcome wont have the ability to affect whether or not I am happy or saddened by whatever transpires. I wont let it take over my feelings and my life-decisions, but I also am not going to suppress any tears or smiles. What a balancing act.
Detachment. What a bitch of a task.