Fear of not being able to get on my own two feet.
Fear of not being able to take care of myself.
Fear of not being able to feed myself or house myself…
or drink clean water.
Fear of making a mistake with regards to relationships.
Fear of making the right decision and success to a degree…
which is sorta fucked up…but whatever..I am a work in progress.
Fear of not being loved and yet also within that fear,
The fear of being loved conditionally.
Fear of not finding an unconditional sort of love.
Fear that maybe I found it…too soon?
Fear that I could potentially fuck it all up (knowingly or not).
Fear that those I trust are not worthy, or worse,
Fear that I am not trusting someone worthy…
Fear of not being able to find a healthy happy balance in my life.
There are so many random ways I could fear life around me.
Knowing this, I choose not to allow fear to prevent me
from acting and living and laughing and smiling and learning
and growing and risking.
Well, that is a lie. I mostly don’t. Sometimes, it does catch me
off guard and throws me off balance. Sometimes I get worried
or scared. I can’t really help it. Life is a fuckin’ trip dude.
That is why there are so many people addicted to so many different
kinds of things and activities and behaviors n’such.
That is precisely why I smoke doobies. Helps calm my nerves
and keeps me from saying things that I want to say, that I would
be best not to. Like “gosh, you are such a dick. Is is hard always
being such a fallace?”
or like: “I love you. I can’t really live without the memories of you.
I would never try to hurt you and I have your back no matter what.”
(that is scarier to say than the “dick” comment…lol…sad. but for me,
it is true. Very vulnerable statement to make to someone if you
are not sure they feel the same).
So yeah, fear. Scary. Sometimes it is “shakin’ in my boots” scary…
sometimes it is just plain ol’ “lose your nerve” scary.
I just recently had another one of those birthdays we all seem to
have every year.
I went through my feelings about it. Fear was a reoccurring theme.
I just have to remind myself:
I am not the only one who experiences this.
It is possible to overcome.