a million thoughts at 4 something in the morning

My eyes are swelling…tears tend to cause that effect.

Sometimes I look in the mirror just to make sure I am still here.

Is all this shit in my life seriously going down right now?

I choke them back. I can handle it.
That is what big girls do…they handle it.

I break down in private, as best I can.

I guess writing about it online isn’t very private.

I know why things are the way they are:

because.
lol.

JK. That is the answer I used to get all the time growing up from my parents when I would ask them a question about “why”

I guess, because it needs to be that way…at least right now.
(I have gotten that one from people in my life as well)

I know the real reason I feel the pain:
Because I do love him, even in his asshole moments, I still care about him.
Do I want to be with him anymore?
No. I don’t think so. I think this play has come to its finale.
I told him I hated him…wish I never met him, all that sorta shit.
I didn’t mean a word of it, but it was what he needed me to say.
He belongs to another. At least his heart does. I wont stand in the middle of that.
Not who I am.

Being a big girl sucks.
Being the bad girl sucks.
Being somewhere in the middle is tolerable.

Fuckin hell man. I hate being the better fucking person.

On the up side, I have more time and energy to work on myself and flow into what I believe in
I am available for a man with some cajones (who is not a dick when he doesn’t have to be…knows how to when he does) and maybe a few other things…but here is the deal:
Life is not fair, no one is perfect, and accepting what is, well, that is sometimes necessary too…
Peace, love & a mending heart.
-me

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