Played out

Ways to Say you’re done

(idea) by britishcoal Fri Aug 11 2000 at 15:44:49

This is my last day of work. I am done. Finished. Completed. Ended. Fulfilled. Paid the Piper. Executed. Crowned my Edifice. Departed. Coup de Grace. Jogged my last mile. fait accompli. Achieved. Brought to pass. Discharged. Stepped out. Brought to a close. Ripened. Pulled the curtain. Exhausted my stay. Brought in the Harvest. Run my course. Given the final touch. Payed the bill. Reached the goal. Crossed the finish. Fixed, Clinched, Stamped, Set, and Sealed. Went the limit. Driven Home. Seen the fire and the rain. Carried Through. Played OutAlea iacta est. Set to Rest. Polished off. Returned from the Tour. Drank the last Sip. Brought to a head. Knocked offDisposed of. Made good. Scored the tie-breaker. Persevered. Put to practice. Terminated. Wound up. Closed. Released. Culminated. Performed. Accomplished. Fought the last Fight. Resolved. Concluded. Nailed the coffin. Put my heart to rest. Gone the whole hog. Braved the Storm. Proved my Worth. Persisted. Died in the last ditch. Kept my Course. Plodded. Went through fire and water. Through Evil report and Good report. per fas et nefasWaxed offSwam Unsunken. Through Thick and Thin. Held out. Expired. Cessated. Resigned. Issued. Quit. Over withSurrendered. Handed in my chips. Veni, vidi, vici.

 

http://everything2.com/title/Ways+to+Say+you%2527re+done

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*It has finally played out.

It is time for me to go.

 

My work here, with them, is done.

 

As far as the people I care about and I am staying with right now in Cali:

There is an apex…the point where usefulness and being a burden starts to get a bit blurry.

 

When I start to feel the slip into “burden” I start planning my exit strategy.

 

 

And as for him? Mr. back n’ forth?

Well, he was able to keep his ego intact.  He started acting and talking like I was obsessed with him…I almost could not hold my laughter in…I mean, I am not a man…I get hit on all the time (not ego, just a by-product of being a social & happy female).  At first it really hurt me, seeing as how most of our moments together, he initiated and pushed for.  It hurt to hear him try and “gaslight” me by saying we never did the things we did, we never kissed, we never…he never…loved me like that.

It hurts so good though.  I mean, if he did really love me he would not let his bruised ego get in the way of making sure he didn’t lose me.

So, I prayed for the best and prepared for the worst and we landed somewhere in the middle of true-blue “stir the oatmeal” love and the opposite spectrum…which I don’t even want to put into words right now.

Hopefully this time, the closure for him is complete. cuz I don’t want to do this back and forth “I love you” , “I never loved you, I was just using you” game.  Doesn’t feel good at all.  In fact, it damn near slices into my soul each and every time.

 

Why don’t I take it personally?

 

Because he may not mean those hurtful words.

But since I will ALWAYS treat it like he does mean them, because those words are the ones he decided to speak, and not the kind words…

I will accept them at face-value and I STILL wont take it personally.

Why?

Cause all I can control is myself.

and he is pushing me away for a reason, so: more power to him…enjoy pretending that being an asshole to me some way or another will result in …well, not sure what he is after actually.

 

This is why I duty date.  This is why I date three or more men at the same time.  I don’t sleep with them, I get to know them and I date them so that I have options and these men have a shot at a woman they are interested in.

It would be unfair to the great men of this world to take myself off the market for anything less than a man who acts like a king and treats me like his cherished queen.

 

I gave him the opportunity to say whatever and do whatever.  I was available for him to lash out at me this holiday season.  I was honest with him about some things that ended up upsetting him, (because I respect him enough to give him the facts to react to however he wants to…and because I like to keep my side of the street as clean as I am humanly possible).

 

I was passive.  I was patient.  I was available. I was as receptive as I was able-considering everything that went down.  I was vulnerable.

 

This was the best Christmas/holiday/new year gift I could have given him and myself:

*an opportunity for him to illicit the closure that he needed to still maintain his masculine (detrimental) ego that is so inappropriately valued in our American “Masculine based” society.  Listening to all the nasty and abusive statements that he could throw my way.

*an opportunity for me to finish off my moving on process…say all the things I needed to from the years of emotional and physical entanglement to a man who, today, loves me not.

 

And if by some off-the-wall chance he actually does love me and is just hurt and trying to hurt me back because of whatever reason…well…

Once I leave, (which will hopefully be today if I can get my rideshare situated) I just don’t see opportunity for redemption.

 

So, back to duty dating.

Back to Zonieland.

 

I am ready to be found by unconditional love.

I am also ready to never find it…which I am cool with too actually.

 

I have work to do while I am alive on this planet…can’t keep getting caught up with men who don’t cherish my feelings enough to set aside ego in the face of love.

Seems to me that Ego just fucks everything up for everyone involved…

Or, I am looking at it wrong.

Maybe the “Ego” in this case, actually saved me more heartbreak, taught me some very valuable lessons (like: what unconditional love looks like and what it does NOT look like).

 

Maybe, “Ego”, like any other shield or weapon, has its place too…its place in the deconstruction process of whatever it is being directed at.

 

Ego is a destroyer…but like all great moments of deconstruction: a healthy and humbling re-construction is soon to follow.

 

Peace, love & Ego.

 

Swam Unsunken:

-me

 

 

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9 thoughts on “Played out”

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      You are so right. 🙂

      I am an awful speller…(in fact, if it were not for spell check I would have put an “e” between the “w” and the “f” in the world “awful” just then)

      We can all attribute my amazing spelling skills to the lovely American school system our Nation is so obsessed about children attending 😉

      I learned purely phonetic spelling Kindergarten through 3rd grade which was the WORST experiment in our public school system history…so…I have come back from all that tremendously.

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      And I would rather misspell it and get my point across than avoid the point altogether.

      On another note about editing my blog in general:
      First and foremost: I am a lazy editor. Mainly because this is not school, it is my own personal form of rebellion, and well, it is a free form of expression…
      Also…double negatives excite me sometimes…what can I say…again: rebel ;P
      I write for myself. I don’t really go out looking for readers. I also do not force anyone to fixate their eyes on my written thoughts. In fact, the less people who read this, all the better in my eyes…weird I know…but this is intended to be a publicly displayed personal electronic diary of sorts…not a master thesis.

      I only publicize because I know I have been saved on a number of occasions from making a horrible mistake or ridiculous decision because I was able to understand what someone else went through…
      and the only way for that to really happen is for people to share.
      And regardless of what anyone may be thinking or feeling about what I share personally…and regardless of whether or not I feel worthy or capable of sharing…some things need to be said.

      Apologies if it makes me hard to digest and confront for you.

      The 1st place poor speller doesn’t belong to me any more… but the 1st place best speller sure as hell doesn’t either. lol.

      Thank you for your comment.

      I respect your acknowledgement.

      -:D me

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      My very good friend got me blogging last summer-ish. I enjoy it quite a bit actually. I get to vent in a public forum, get feedback from impartial-strangers (who, a few of which I see as my e-friends more than as just ‘strangers’…hehe) and my fav. is that I have the ability to go back, reread, reprocess and reedit as I evolve and grow and learn new things.
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      -me

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