Last few days…
Binge eating on crap “food”.
Thought I was tough enough to handle all that bread and pasta and meat…
I gotta fix my eating habits.
Didn’t eat all day and then ate entirely too much for dinner last night.
Went to bed at like 6 or 7pm (which is waaaayyyy early for me) and now it is 2-something in the AM and I am glerpy, I can feel the pimples forming on my face as I type this, I can’t sleep and I feel so gross and heavy with rich food I just want to get on my bike and ride for a few hours.
In a few hours I will go do that.
I haven’t been on my bike in a few weeks and I can feel it.
I can’t keep living like this.
Now that the world is not over and a new year has started up I guess I gotta get my shit together.
I have been growing my veggies.
Now, I gotta figure out a way to make some extra income.
I was offered a room at a friends place back in cali. I might take her up on that.
It is strange, I know I have the world at my finger tips right now and I could throw myself in a number of really cool directions…but instead it is like I feel frozen almost.
I guess I am going to use it as an opportunity to exercise patience.
I think I will get back to purging my physical space of excess stuff. There is some purpose: when in doubt, go through my extra shit and get it moving…maybe that will clear up my stagnant energy.
Something in my life is going to change…something is going to have to give…there is only so far a person can go in one direction aimlessly before even THAT path begins to make some-sort of cosmic sense.
I used to think I could fill the void with a super cool relationship or a super cool job or super potent bud…not so fellow earthlings…I am learning it is not my task to fill any voids…it is only my job to create them. If I create the void (by cleaning stuff and projects, etc. out of my life) it never stays empty for long. Last time I cleaned out a bunch of stuff and gave a bunch of time volunteering…well, I made some new friends, started growing veggies and made a few business connects as far as another side-project I have been working on goes.
Don’t get me wrong, my solution to being “stuck in a rut” isn’t always to get rid of stuff…but right now, it is my “go to solution” to create room in my life because that is where my excess lies: in stuff. Plus, I want to start doing a lot of productive, light-weight traveling and I don’t want to burden myself (or anyone else for that matter) with a bunch of stuff I can’t take with me when I go anyway.
I went from:
eating shitty food and being unable to sleep anymore…thinking about riding my bike in a few hours.
the real meat and potatoes of the “crappy food self-torture” (lack-luster for my directionless life) which has dropped me and you (my reader) at my current solution for most anything right now: purging my space of more stuff.
It is actually kinda funny in a way…reminds me of “my big fat greek wedding” where the dad is always spraying windex on everything because he believes it to be the CURE ALL!!!
Getting rid of excess shit in my life is my proverbial “windex” right now…
Get rid of a few boxes of choch-kies and clothes I have not seen, let alone worn, in years and poof! I have a project to get me out of my head and busy…
Enough talking shit.
I actually have to get out of bed and start shuffling stuff around if I want to feel like I have actually accomplished something in that arena today.
Believe it or not, I already feel a little better after writing my insecurities out…it is amazing what I can tackle once I am able to name my opponent. Knowing the enemy (in my case @ this moment: self-sabotage in the form of apathy), knowing there is even a battle taking place between fear-based me and courage/solution-based me, understanding that I have a tendency to be my own worst enemy and just NAMING IT FOR WHAT IT IS. Naming my fear, insecurity, enemy, negative emotion or action or whatever…calling it what it is (just a self-manifested block) turns a mountainous illusion back into the lack-luster mole-hill it once (and technically always) was.
Bulldozing Mount Everest and flattening out a mole-hill are hardly comparable.
Peace, love & windex.