In keeping up the tradition of random posts, here is another jaunt through my energized skull… (I like to consider it to be my form of organized chaos, among other things)
So, I went to Europe for three months.
I decided that there was a bit more learning and growing to do over there so I worked on my Travel Visa and I am fixin’ to embark on another stint.
A lot of thoughts are swirling around in my head and one of the biggest reoccurring themes is:
I say worthy mainly because it almost feels like self-sabotage to even have that thought from the get-go…I mean: who is really worthy of anything? Good or Bad or Indifferent? And if worthiness does come into play I would like to believe we are ALL worthy of happiness and the perceived good.
It is almost as though I am waiting for the catch that is never going to come…
like, since I have been through some interesting and less-than-awesome circumstances in my past, due to Rose-Colored Glasses (and the jokester cupid) my mind is trying to catch up with my heart.
My mind is working diligently to try to make sure I have covered all my bases to protect me…
and my heart is already onto the next step…ready to plunge head first into the next chapter of my life with open arteries and a healthy top-speed pump rate. 😉
I know that I am random, strange, I know that I over think things and get a little emotional or irrational sometimes…
I also know that I have some amazing traits and some characteristics that make me an amazing friend and partner for the right person who gets ‘it’ (whatever ‘it’ is…I guess ‘it’ would be my idiosyncrasies).
This next chapter in my life requires an abundance of trust, appreciation, understanding, patience, unconditional love, and creative problem-solving. It also requires that I master my perceptions and actions and become a bit better at being a bit more sensitive to those I commit to actually giving a shit about and how they hear/understand me and my intentions.
Not sure if you, my reader, have gathered this by now…but my Politically Correct Filter and I are not always on speaking terms; and I am not always 100% clear to anyone other than myself (that is what happens when you blog for selfish reasons like I have been doing)
It requires ‘jumping in the deep end both feel first’ and ready to swim like heck…with a relaxed and happy smile.
My life’s next chapter involves other people; letting those people close and maintaining relationships even when I may feel like passing the buck…
The proverbial buck has to stop here this time; with me. No more passing on responsibilities or opportunities to get emotionally close to others I care deeply for– due to the fact that it may be uncomfortable or because I feel unworthy for whatever ridiculous excuse of a reason I may have concocted out of some form of irrational fear or another.
The buck stops here; at the beginning of a life I no longer am questioning the value of (or the purpose of, for that matter).
The running buck stops right here; with me; with us.