How?

How?

A song by John Lennon…  [I have it on replay right now]

————————————

Happy New Year…yay 2014…I guess I am deep down pretty glad that 2013 is over.  A part of me wonders if the year change will bring about a significant shift in my life or if it is just another year and I just can’t seem to tear those rose colored goggles off my face.

I have been through so much random stuff…most of it you would not believe even if I recounted it verbatim from start to finish.  The randomness that is my life never ceases to amaze even my very own self.  

The tough part is, I met a man and I love him and I want to share my life experiences with him…problem is, where do I even begin? and even when I do begin, the look in his eyes tells me he thinks I am pulling this stuff out of my ass…

He asked me to marry him last summer.

and tonight…

the first night of the new year…

after all that we have been through so far…

he is still asking me the same questions and he is still looking at me like I am full of bologna.

I have not written in awhile.  Not in a diary, not to friends, not on this website…I just sorta stopped for a bit.

I guess when things just get too weird I feel like I don’t know where to begin and I stop telling my story.  I went from single, taking a trip to Europe after very slowly piecing my life back together..

all the way to the other extreme of being engaged to a man who has children and an ex whose insanity reminds me of my own insane ex that almost killed me a few years ago..I mean, this woman punched me repeatedly in the middle of a church service and then followed it up with a “I am going to kill you”.  I have said approximately four words to this woman since I met her and she can’t stand me being nice to her children and helping her ex pick himself back up after she physically beat him and abused him for 9 years…I guess she thought she cheated on him enough times with his friends and co-workers and strangers, screamed and hit her children enough and lied enough to keep them all under her control till she was done using them for her own personal gain…and she hates my guts for calling her out on her abusive behavior [yes, i even called the cops when she threatened to kill me…which, if anyone knows me at all, they would know that I do not like calling the police].

So, I guess my question to myself is: what the fuck am I doing ? I love this man and these kids are amazing…I have never considered marriage or having kids up to this point and here I am…instant family.  I guess I am scared. 

I am scared of messing things up.

Mainly, maybe, I am scared of actually succeeding and having a happy “normal” life [keep in mind my definition of normal is relative].

Maybe I am also scared of “succeeding” with a man that may not deep down feel the same…a man that doesn’t seem to believe me when I open up about the randomness that has been my life?

I don’t know. 

I guess no one really knows until they get there…wherever “there” is.

I don’t want to have any regrets…but most of all, I don’t want to be someone else’s regret…I think that might scare me more. 

Well, here is to another year: Happy New Year folks…

“be good or be good at it” -a quote from an ol’ friend.

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