I need to edit my book.
Which is probably why I am blogging right now…
I have too much emotional shit floating around in my space.
I see how things could be better…compared to how things are.
It frustrates me.
My brain is cray cray. I am sitting her thinking about how to get everyone to recycle and what materials we could use to make it all easier for us.
It is easier than thinking about the fact that the time I am spending with my Grandfather (“Ahkong”) right now could possibly be the last bits of moments I may ever have with him.
It is interesting to hear him talk about death. He keeps repeating himself, saying: “It’s not the death I am fearful of…It is the suffering. I want to die already. No more pain and suffering.” Then he tells me how he wants to die in his sleep and how lucky he would be if he did.
At lunch today about an hour or so ago he said my Ahbu’s cousin died in his sleep after eating lunch…apparently this cousin told everyone he was going to take a nap and then died in his sleep. My Grandfather says he was lucky.
He misses my Grandmother and he wants to be with her again.
Besides that, I am also thinking about my family and how they are doing and how much I am missing them…I could hop on a plane and leave to be with them already…however, something is holding me here. I cannot leave yet.
I keep telling Mr. that it is because I don’t have enough money saved yet…which is true too…I just also feel a weird pull…like there is something I need to be here for…
My brain is cray cray. Going a million miles a minute in a million directions and I cannot focus on my book.
I think I will just go and sit with my Grandfather. Maybe do random bits of typing while he watches his distracting programs and plays on his ipad. Technology has its place in the world…when we don’t abuse it or make it our life’s focus all the time. I wish I could take his pain away. Spending time with him and listening to the same stories over and over will have to be enough for now…I think that is all I can really offer him…an ear and some time and the occasional tear and loads of smiles.
life is messy and complicated…I probably make it that way with all my random perspectives and ideas about things.
Oh well, keeps it all interesting I guess.
love you all.
me cray cray.